10/21/22 by Tonya Alexander

Tonya is a family mediator and collaborative law attorney licensed in the state of Oregon. Her
office is in the Beaverton/ Hillsboro area of Washington County. Tonya also offers virtual
mediation via Zoom if preferable.
The following are a few thoughts and some guidance on how best to prepare for your first
mediation appointment. It is often a stressful time, so a little preparation can help alleviate
some of the anxiety and fear going into the mediation process.
1) Take the pressure off yourselves. The first mediation session is purposefully designed
to be low conflict and low pressure in order to assess individual and family needs,
questions, interests, and goals as well as building a foundation for a successful
mediation outcome. During this initial meeting, typically between 1 and 2 hours in
duration, we will create a roadmap together with steps and “action items” for each
participant to move forward toward resolution and implementation of any agreements.
We can also address any time sensitive issues or concerns and brainstorm solutions
during this first meeting and assess what other resources, if any, are needed.
2) Choose format for first session. You can choose to participate either remotely or in
person for any sessions and all participants need to be in the same format (all in office
or all virtual) for balance and neutrality.
3) Goal setting. We will email you a “Key Issues” chart for ideas on typical topics that arise
in separations and divorce. If your mediation is in another family law area, we will
customize preparation materials for your situation. It will be helpful to get more
comfortable talking about your short and long term goals around issues such as housing,
finances, and children (if applicable). It may also alleviate stress to practice talking with
a friend, family member, or therapist about your vision and goals.
4) Begin gathering documents. This is optional ahead of mediation, and there is no
requirement to bring in documents at your first session. That said, having a good sense
of a “high level” overview of family finances such as approximate or average incomes,
types of assets and debts, and overall current cash flow situation is helpful to share in
the first stage of mediation. This will help us to better assess what resources or tools
will be most efficient completing mediation. For example, getting acquainted with
employee benefits such as stock options, whether a pension is vested, as well as life
insurance details will help in preparedness for mediation.
5) Keep an open mind. One of the barriers to a successful mediation can be one or both
participants (or the mediator) having a rigid or fixed mindset on the division of assets,
debts, or the payment of support. Often, issues are intertwined and creative solutions
may be available to meet the approval and acceptance of all involved (including the
court’s necessary approval in some areas). It is most helpful in mediation to allow
brainstorming of different scenarios and “what ifs” as all discussion is confidential and

without risk. Once options are exchanged, then proceeding with evaluating and
prioritizing what feels acceptable or not may be more effective to allow for the
maximum likelihood of success.
6) Coaching or therapy. Sometimes barriers occur in the ability to communicate or be
heard effectively, especially in the stressful family law transitions with often raw
emotions and high conflict. Please reach out if you or a family member could benefit
from talking to a divorce coach or mental health professional such as a therapist. A
divorce coach is a professional trained to help people process any emotions surrounding
a family issue and help provide support throughout the stages of separation or divorce if
needed. Coaches and therapist can work with one person or both as well as children
depending on the professional and scope of his or her role. In some cases, an employee
assistance program (EAP) or health insurance may be utilized to reduce out of pocket
costs.
7) Legal consult. This is optional at any stage of mediation. In my experience working with
families over the years, feedback from clients is having an initial consultation with a
collaborative attorney ahead of a mediation session helped create a smooth path for
mediation to move forward with less conflict. This attorney can also review drafts of
documents ahead of signing and filing. Please keep in mind each professional may only
assume one role (either mediator or consulting attorney). We are happy to provide a
list of recommended collaborative attorneys or mediators if helpful.